You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
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