I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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