her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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