So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
