I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
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Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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