I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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