seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
