I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize