The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
