i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
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And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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