Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
