You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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