Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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