The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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