go do what you do best...puke behind churches
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
