He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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