My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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