i always forget guys have bellybuttons
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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