no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
