just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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