My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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