I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
