Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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