I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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