Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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