Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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