I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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