did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
