piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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