I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
