ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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