So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
