my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
