I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My bed smells like the plague
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
