she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
