mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
