Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Panties = found
Randomize
