I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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