you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
