i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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