Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
