Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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