We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
