its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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