Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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