you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
