Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
