So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
