Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You smell like stripper and shame
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
