i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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