Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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