hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
