She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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