So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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