yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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