the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
