I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
